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Well, I guess it is that time again to get some of these ideas in my head down on paper, in the hope they make a little more sense. I find this quite hard to do as I don’t really like any of the choices I have available to me so picking the right choice is hard work and quite exhausting. One thing I have learnt over the last few months being off work is I need company. I really don’t like spending hours and hours on my own at home. It is made worse by not knowing whether I will be able to return to work. I have no idea just how much money I need to save. The cut in my wages is now eating into my savings and more or likely I am going to lose my caravan next year that  I dearly love because I will not be able to pay the ground rent. The caravan was the last ascent I have left and after that I have nothing. It is the only place truly accessible to me as I was not able to get an accessible flat where I am currently living.

The fear of losing the caravan is one that gives me nightmares and not having a place I can go and relax fills me with dread. If I am going to have to face the fact its gone and I need to accept this the question I ask myself where do I live? I know I can not manage on my own at home and I have zero support around me. Unless its an hospital appointment or I am seriously ill my family are normally no where to be seen. I have really learnt the importance of family the last week being surrounded by a loving family and a sense of belonging, respect and looking out for each other. It was quite refreshing to see that family values still excess. This has opened up a few idea’s in my head which I am unable to process. The first being the most difficult for me to come to terms with as it doesn’t match with my understand of life. This being the first time since leaving school the only time I have felt part of any family is the family of god and the church. Religion is a hard one for me to accept as for me it isn’t about what I can benefit from it but what I can do to give to others. Every time I listen to someone talk about religion they talk about how as human beings we never achieve enough to make god happy and we must do more. It talks about how we are not worthy to receive god because we are all sinners and any man who denies that is a liar.  I first joined a church because I wanted to give back to the community but now I have given everything I have I feel that I been left to defend for myself. I fear that I have grown to resend giving so much of myself away to others. This leaves me feeling confused and upset as I know I do things out the goodness of my own heart and I never expected any thanks for doing them, so why does it leave me feeling rejected by god’s church? 

Another thing that leaves me feeling confused and unable to compute is just where do I belong? Every time I turn a corner I get walls and barriers put up in the way. This is more so with work, I really hate feeling that I am unwanted, I know I can do my job and give a real sense of achievement to those who I work for. I know I am not stupid and the little knowledge I have I can pass on to those who I help. I may get stuck along the way sometimes and I beg for help but instead I just get told to go away. Dealing with  this on top of my own disabilities is making it next to impossible to understand my options.

Dealing with my disability. In the pass I have always rejected my disability and never even considered it would stop me from doing anything, after all why should it? Its not a problem for me so why should it be a problem for others. Being around people who do not know my disability or consider it to be a problem the last few days makes me think that I don’t need to make adjustments for it just because someone tells me that I have too. As a child every time I said I couldn’t do something because of my disability I got a good kick up the back side and told to just get on with it. I finding this transition really hard to deal with because there is no one there to help me.

Where does this leave me now? A very good question! I could just get up and leave my current job which is going down the drain much quicker than I expected, But where would I go? Is there a much better place for me. A community that would accept a hard working not so young man? Is this running away from my problems? I thought long and hard before I moved to Nottingham 7 years ago, did I give up too easy by moving back to Surrey. Would things change if I did it again and move some where else? I am so desperate to move somewhere  or anywhere am I giving up too easy on what I have here at the moment? I am not sure that I am accepting my responsibilities, do my work have a point? Am I thinking I am better than I really am? I have lost a lot of confidence the last few months and I don’t believe there is much I can do without facing the abuse thrown at me by other people. It hurts me so much be told you can’t because you are stupid.