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Had an escape day yesterday, spend most the day reading Toys by James Patterson. This isn’t why I writing this blog. I was hoping after taking my mind off things it will help me have a clearer understanding on what I need to do. I am have to face many changes within my life at the moment with the welfare system all changing it really is effecting me, to be honest I am scared.

So, where am I now?  I have always wanted to work and thought that I would work. I never really gave it a second thought. I knew many people with my form of Cerebral Palsy didn’t work. If it became too much for me I could get help from the government to support myself. My real problem is first I have to get other people to accept just how disabled I am before anyone will help me. All my life I have hidden my disability from public view. I am not proud of the things I can’t do, I really hate asking for help. This fear of asking is something I fear because growing up I was always turned down for help. It takes so much courage for me to ask for help as I have to admit that I have a problem in the first place. It doesn’t take much for people to knock that confidence, and then I will go running away and start again. I have done this 3 times in my life so far. Starting again from square one is not always the best option but I find that I am able to show people just what I can do without them judging me for the weaknesses I have.

Having to prove myself to everyone if this is work or at home is not easy for me but the moment people see any weakness that I can’t do something they use it against me. I have seen this so many times in my life. They say it’s because they care about me and don’t want me doing stuff that is hard for me. Rather than support me to do whatever it is that I want to do, they will trample all over me to achieve what I can’t to make themselves look good. You know what they say “the strongest will survive”  I would like to  think I am a strong person, I am most of the time apart from when it comes to my disability. I spend so much energy to stop it controlling me and taking over my life I don’t have the strength to fight anyone else attacking it either.

Quite often in my job as a social care worker we talk about empowerment of our service users. It’s a statement I believe in very strongly. The problem is no one is empowering me to do it. The government have said they would like more disabled people to work but just where is that support?  I went to Citizens advice Bureau yesterday to see just what help I could get. The man there was just totally lost on just what my position was and couldn’t understand why a person as disabled as myself was being put in a position to work within a job that it seems from the outside that I am clearly unable to do. The last few weeks I have been asked the same questions these are those questions.

1)      Why are you no longer using your wheelchair?

My employer will not allow me to use a wheelchair within my job, they believe the job would be impossible to do from a wheelchair.  Without additional support that would be unreasonable they would not allow me to try.

1.1)  Do you think your job is possible to do from a wheelchair?

No, this is why when I applied for the job I didn’t tell them I was a wheelchair user, I found by staying in my wheelchair when things are not accessible it just makes my job 1000 times harder.

2)      What was the reason for you applying for a job knowing you couldn’t use a wheelchair.

At first I didn’t think the job would be so hard and so much walking, I told work about my mobility issues and they knew I had cerebral palsy and used walking sticks. They didn’t see it being a problem. They only had a problem with me walking once they found out that I had been in a wheelchair before.

3)      If you have decided not to use your wheelchair what do you expect to happen next?

I was hoping to get a flat that was more accessible to me but the local council told me they couldn’t help and to go away and rent privately. If I could have used my wheelchair at home it would have taken the strain of me. I wasn’t expecting the job to require so much walking

4)      What stopped you applying for jobs that where more accessible to you?

I wanted too, but if I mentioned in an application form all my impairments I never got an interview. Sometimes I don’t know if I can do the job unless I try, employers where not giving me a chance to prove myself, I even had offered to work voluntary.

I don’t see my disability as a problem. I know from the outside it looks like I am causing myself harm and maybe I am. There isn’t much choice for disabled people out there. I would be happy to work as volunteer as different rules apply to volunteers. Until employers stop seeing disabled people at what we can’t do and see just what benefit I can bring to them, we stand very little chance of achieving anything. Just because my income is coming from a benefit system it doesn’t mean I am lazy and sit at home doing nothing. Not that I have ever been allowed to claim any benefit apart from DLA unless I have a full time job.

The way I see it I only have two choices.

1)      Work within a job my employer doesn’t respect me or think I can do the job

2)      Leave the UK