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Has really be struggling to write this blog this is mainly because I have new followers  on Twitter and friends on my facebook and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea about me. Another real key factor has is I haven’t been feeling myself lately, so much so I have been off work now for nearly a month. Most of this is because my doctor doesn’t have a clue just how to help me. they have had to refer me to mental health services just to get to the bottom of things as I now have point blank given up trying to explain to so many different doctors just what the problems are. None of them talk to each other and have no idea just why I am on so many different medications and what effects they have on me on a daily basis. My employer isn’t much help either and is in total panic on where they stand. Despite saying they are not like other companies as they work in social care so understand my needs. They are acting very much  the same or worse than other people I have worked for in the pass.  They don’t want me to do anything that could in any way affect my health so without lying to them, something I really crap at doing, it’s hard to hide my disability from them.

The question I had to ask myself is why am I hiding my problems of my disability in the first place?  This is quite simple really and something which the Independent on Sunday are going to publish in the newspaper next Sunday. I was hoping the article would have appeared in this Sunday but looks like maybe next week. That is people just don’t want disabled people in their work force. To be quite frank I don’t blame them. Why would you employ someone who needs adjustments in order for them to carry out their job when there are queues of people without any impairment willing to do the same job?  From a personal note I know what job I can do without little adjustment and it’s been proven that I can do it well. That is teaching ICT. I was a Cisco certified instructor and the students I taught said that they found my method of teaching very hands on and liked working with me. Noticed I used the word ‘With’ this is something I have always done ever since I started work leaving school, it’s something that managers find difficult to deal with. I don’t believe anyone should have the attitude they are better than anyone else. I have had to manage people before and I always give people respect and allow them to make their own choices. It’s something within my current role as a social care worker I thought would be really useful. Giving the service users the choice to do what they want is something the company I work for say is their primary target. In practice it is quite different. I have not yet been allowed to make any mistakes without getting a right ear bashing off my manager and get constantly reminded of those mistakes every week.

Realising that my work isn’t helping my mental state of mind I decided that I must do something else, something for myself.  I tackled this in two ways. One was to volunteer for MERU a wonderful charity that makes bespoke equipment for children with disabilities. I love Volunteering for MERU and it’s a charity that has helped me when I was a child, so volunteering for them now really gives me a sense of achievement and I am learning new skills every time I go there.  The only problem I have with volunteering at MERU is my energy levels. I never have set hours I work every week so fitting these around the times I can volunteer at MERU is hard but they are really great and allow me to come in when I can. I only wish more companies where like MERU.  The other thing I had planned was to do a flying scholarship. I love flying, well ok! I only done it once but have always liked the idea of how free you feel in a plane. I get the same sort of sense in a car but in a car you are limited to road and traffic living in London isn’t a great place to go out for a drive. Sadly for me I didn’t get the scholarship so that great idea didn’t work out. It broke my heart not getting it as I put so much effort into getting to RAF Cranwell for the final selection process I am pretty sure I couldn’t do that again. Maybe this was the reason why I didn’t get the scholarship. I am pretty much on the edge of breaking point dealing with my disability maybe they thought it would be too much for me.

This brings me onto another point. Being able to do something and wanting to do it. I have always been the sort of person if I have wanted to do something I will, being disabled or not. It is an interesting word ‘Disabled’ one I have refused most of my life to consider myself to be disabled. I have grown up with my impairments and I totally understand just how they limit me doing stuff every day. It may take me a little longer to do stuff but I get there in the end. This attitude is changing today. I am no longer allow to take longer to do stuff if I can’t do it first time and correctly people don’t want me doing it at all.  So this really comes back to the question if I am pushing myself too much then why am I not achieving the goals and targets set to me by work? Am I doing a job that I shouldn’t be? If this is the case then why will no one admit it? My employers told me they had no problem employing me as a disabled person so why is it a problem now?

My primary focus at work has always been to earn enough money to live on. I enjoy good things and I like my toys and gadgets. I worked hard when leaving school to obtain qualifications so I could do this. My School never believed in me either this is why I was never allowed to take my GCSE’s little ironic considering 2 years later I left college with 4 ‘A’ levels.  We would love a job that we enjoy but its rare these days that happens as a disabled person I really don’t expect it but as long as I am earning enough to live on I don’t care. The reason I don’t care is because if I am earning enough money I can do the stuff I want when I get home, providing work doesn’t take too much out of me.  Where does one go now? I think my days are numbered within my current job. I have tried to work in social care before in a residential home and it didn’t work out. The company I work for no say they are different but it’s clear they are just like everyone else.  What worries me getting anyone to admit it, they would hate me talking about them openly on the internet but personally I don’t care. I approached scope to help me within my work but they seem to be really snowed under with cases. They have sort of made my employer realize they cannot be treating me this way but as yet nothing has been put down on paper. The fact I been off for a month and still waiting a reply from them is not good.

The future! I have approached another charity about employment and I hoping they are not going to take the same view as scope did that I can do my current job and it’s all about adjustment. My employer has made it very clear they can’t make these adjustments it’s not reasonable for them to do it.  They feel by cutting my hours is the best adjustment they can make and that if I am unable to do these hours then I should consider leaving. Scope where not prepared to consider the fact that I can’t do job despite following me around for 2 days and recommending adjustments my employer refused and they just left it. I have been desperately looking around for other work. I have also been asking myself should I be working at all? I would love to be in a position where I could live with someone and not have to work. The only person who is willing to allow me to stay with them is my parents and I don’t really fancy moving back home, not that it’s ever been my home.