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What I am finding it hard to come to terms with now is if I have to accept that I need help then just how I go about doing that. I have always managed to do stuff on myself and get a massive amounts of moral support from my friends to do stuff. The flying scholarship was meant to prove to me and others that I only need a little amount of practical help to achieve something but without that I just don’t know what I need. The other question I have had bouncing around in my head is people don’t believe I can do stuff. They want me to just sit at home, I am fed up of getting told you can’t do that mark. Give yourself a break man! Just because I have a disability it doesn’t mean I can’t do stuff. I know I more than able to carry out my dreams but I don’t want people just to sit aside and not help me achieve them. I have seen I got limits and I ready do try and break them just so I can achieve that little more. I find things that I really enjoy doing hard but I will do them anyway. Things like going to Meru I love being a design engineer and helping others so this is something I will more or likely carrying on doing. Working for RAD I am not sure. I do not get a lot of moral support from work or practical support. This has been proven by reply back from manager when I emailed her to say I had a mental break down and  taking time off, her reply was I hope you’re not blaming us for this break down mark? I think she regretted sending this after I explained but then had a dig at me again about not mentioning about cover for something she already knew. Issues I will have to take up with them with the support from Scope who seem to be too busy to reply to my emails again.

Still feeling really tearful again this morning and I have cried twice already just writing this. New medication is helping a little as I am calmer than I was on Thursday. I don’t know if this is just because I am getting over the disappointment or medication is helping. I have a meeting with a shrink on Tuesday so hoping going to get things straight in my head after that. If I can get my caravan fixed today that will help me as the caravan is fully accessible for me unlike the flat so I can go there and relax without having to worry something I haven’t been able to do for a long time because the boiler has been broken. The caravan is the only place I have an accessible shower also so this is cool. Its one of the things I liked about going to Cranwell is I was able to have a decent shower, I can’t do this at home. I hoping social services are going to look at this for me next week also.

I don’t think writing this has helped me. I still don’t know if I want to do anything apart from the volunteering at MERU but without a job to pay for things like the caravan I am mega stuck really. There are very few people I know who are able to care for me and I am more or likely to be left to look after myself once the shrink realises that I not going to harm myself or others the support will stop. I haven't quite understood this just why you have to cause harm too yourself just to get help. Its something I find incredibly stupid that someone has to get that low to get help. Its something that I would never do sorry I did once just because people told me it helped them release there pain so I tried it but as I had very little sense of pain anyway I just found out it just gave me a bloody floor. LOL!

I know I am more than capable of doing my job. I have a good understanding off peoples needs so working in social care is a field I should be able to do. my biggest problem is accessibility and by not having this causes me pain by trying to walk everyday without the use of my wheelchair this is a problem, this is something I didn’t consider would be a massive problem but work seem to stop me from walking and will not allow me to use my chair. Anyhow I am not getting things clearer in my head so going to stop writing